My Adventures into Psychosis

Exhibit C:

So last week I was sent on an....involuntary mental vacation. They kept calling it a vacation, but my idea of a "mental vacation" would include me, in the Marriot... swimsuit in one hand and a mimosa in the other..... not a 2 inch foam mattress, no shampoo, no shoes, in a room with a camera.

Now, the events that led up to this moment are really rather....moot, to say the least... the point is I was stuck in a very small enclosure in which I couldn't smoke, the food was....not even food, and everyone else was ten times crazier than me. Needless to say this was a little bit of an ego stroke realizing I was the most sane person in the room for a change!

Anyway... it was the most productive experience that I hated every single second of. I met some really interesting people, took a break from my stresses and got a much needed fresh perspective on things. I retain the idea that this could have been achieved another way.... i.e. said vacation above. Either way, that cigarette I smoked when I got out was almost symbolic. I FINALLY walked out the locked double doors, ripped the nicotine patch off my shoulder, and threw it to the ground with a vengeance. I lit that cigarette and gently took the first drag. To me... that moment is really a metaphor for what I gained... what I left behind and I have to look forward to.

Quelude You

A fullness now emptied
papers and prayers
scattered to the wind
visible for all to see.

An emptiness is soothed
drowned with official signatures
controlled substances
still visible for all to see.

A soothing face turned to the sun
full of "never were"s
broken hearts
"and all that could have been's

A sun representing a hope
to be filled again
with rights...normality
all my heart should desire

So why then
does this hope
feel like I'm trying to swallow
the fire of a thousand, nay a million
could have, should have, and may have been's...

My Adventures into Psychosis

Exhibit B:

I find myself pondering the possibility of an early-life crisis? I am sitting here at my computer OBSESSING about how I want tattoos and more piercings and ridiculous hair styles.... wanting them more than anything else, like an addict to their crack pipe. What the fuck is this?

My rational mind grips to the idea that this is my natural reaction to the complete overwhelming nature of my responsibilities, but the more I rationalize it I find my angsty side arguing with my rational side.... it's very noisy in my brain at the moment.

I'm pretty much going to get my tats, do my hair and embrace my irresponsible self. She was way more fun anyway ;)

My Adventures into Psychosis

Exhibit A:

So, everyone knows that I am currently in the middle of a full blown nervous breakdown (sorry to disappoint if this is new news to you). I'm in fairly intense therapy and have discovered a multitude of anxiety related disorders in the process. Apparently I'm slightly defective, to say the least.

Now... that being said it seems as though every step I take to feel better, I take two or three giant leaps back.

Today, I woke up a little late, feeling slightly icky (to say the least) so I brewed up a bit of coffee. I drank a couple cups and felt crappy enough I decided to climb back in bed when my little one took a nap.

My dream included all my friends coming over for a fancy BBQ. I realized I needed to go to the store and pick up a few things. To make a long story short I remember the dream as vividly as though I actually lived the moments in my dreams. To make a long story short, I was looking for artichokes in Dan's and had a complete panic attack when I couldn't find them. My quick paced heart woke me instantly, and I am STILL in full panic mode at the moment... reading through my facebook getting pissed off at everyone's status updates, feeling prepared to burst into tears at any moment.... probably doesn't help that I am out of medication....

Nevertheless... this is my awesome venture into insanity for the day. Just want to take a moment to give a big "fuck you" to all those who unknowingly, and unintentionally pissed me off today... for no reason.... ;)

Broken

Broken.
torn and scattered,
between whispers
amongst friends

The good witch and the bad
pulling at an ear
struggling and wincing,
pulling myself away.

ten fingers spelling words
inconsistencies,
Another example of how there
isn't enough glue in the world
to put all the pieces back together

My Very Good Advice

"I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,

That explains the trouble that I'm always in,

Be patient, is very good advice,
But the waiting makes me curious,

And I'd love the change,
Should something strange begin,

Well I went along my merry way,
And I never stopped to reason,
I should have know there'd be a price to pay,

Someday...someday,

I give myself very good advice,
But I very seldom follow it,

Will I ever learn to do the things I should?
Will I ever learn to do the things I should?"

-Alice in Wonderland

My "Anywhere but Here"

So, this isn't really very blog worthy...just thought I would share what my perfect day would've been today.

Park City.
Brunch at Squatters.
Stroll down Main street (and paying the banksy and chocolate shop a visit).
Spa, including massage, and getting my hair and nails done (black tips, of course)
Fancy Italian dinner.
biggest effin bubble bath you have EVER seen in a giant jetted tub, "How to Destroy Angels" on repeat
complete with a pitcher of mimosa by my side.

Instead I have the sorest back ever, two screaming kids, ugly pj's
and my hair looks like a freak.

In need of a major mini vacay. Help me God!