Thursday, January 27, 2011

Would You Like Fries With That?

While David Rochester was studying Bankruptcy and Civil Litigation at Harvard Law preparing to graduate at the top of his class last spring, he never imagined that he would return home, struggle to find a job and end up asking his clients, “do you want fries with that?”

“I have thousands in schooling debts that need to be paid,” Rochester noted, “Harvard isn’t cheap.”

Most law students end up with well over $100,000 dollars in student loans that must be paid upon completion of school. With the current economy, how are students going to pay that back if they are unable to locate a job?

David finally took whatever he was able to find, which ended up being “counter help,” at a local McDonald’s. According to David, he currently rings up orders, bags your food, and even cleans the bathrooms once weekly.

“I attempted to apply first with all the firms I knew, and even lowered my expectations by applying with firms that do not have the greatest reputation,” said Rochester. He ended up even attempting to take a job as a paralegal only to be informed that he was overqualified as a member of the Florida State Bar, and a resume that boasts a 3.98 GPA.

“It isn’t even that I was told I was under qualified for a position with a firm… it is just that the jobs aren’t out there right now,” he explained, “and I’m not the only one.”

Rochester went on to explain that most of the students from his graduating class he has kept in touch with are also struggling to find jobs in their area of expertise, and many are working at gas stations, low level firms, or small businesses.

“I understood that it would be difficult starting out. As a lower level attorney I anticipated that I wouldn’t get the best jobs out there, but I thought I would at least get something.”

With unemployment numbers soaring higher daily in most major cities, these types of stories become less, and less appalling.

Over forty-five percent of Miami’s residents are currently under-employed, according to the 2010 Census. This means that a large percentage of people are currently working in jobs that are far below their qualifications and pay rate they require to take care of themselves and their families.

“I’m trying to remain optimistic that this is just a phase, or that more jobs will become available as the economy improves,” Rochester laughed, “but I had a better job than this on summer break when I was sixteen.”

David said that he is still continuing to look for work, and has even began submitting his resume in neighboring communities and bigger cities. Until he finds a position available in his line of work he will be currently offering to upsize that number five at a fast-food joint near you.



Haha, gotcha. Please note that this story is completely fictional, although written in a journalistic format. The characters in question are not real, and are not based on anyone. All numbers, are purely fictional, and not pulled from anything real. In other words this article is just like Pamela Anderson... COMPLETELY FAKE. I just took the opportunity to poke fun at a few different things (satirically of course) in a new format.....You believed it though.... so what does that say?

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Grand Theft Lighter

I’ve been ranting about this one for ages. I’m a smoker, so I almost have one or more lighter in my possession at ALL times. Even people that are not smokers keep lighters on hand for various things around the house. It’s estimated that most households have more than one lighter in it. I pulled all below amounts from reliable sources. I'm not about to put together a work cited document for my lighter rant, so you're just going to have to excuse my math and work with me here.

I’m a terrible lighter thief. I’ve gotten better over the years but my friends used to often tease me, saying if you’re missing a lighter it’s because the lighter is in MY pocket. It’s just very easy to borrow someone else’s lighter for a moment, and you keep it in your hand, toss it in your purse, or put it in your pocket as though it were your own. It’s almost muscle memory… especially for someone that uses a lighter multiple times daily.

So, those of you smokers… how many of you have stolen a lighter? How many have had lighters stolen from you? My point exactly. I have a hypothesis that lighters are the most stolen item in America. Some even change hands upwards of ten times. So… I’m going to make a rough estimate that lighters are stolen an average of five times. Some are stolen much more…. And some aren’t ever stolen at all, but I think five is a good medium.

The most popular lighter is the Bic Lighter… so I’m going to narrow my estimates down to Bic Lighters alone. About 60% of all lighters purchased from a convenience store are Bic Lighters. Now… Bic shipped about 1.2 billion lighters in 2009. We’ll go ahead and assume these were all sold, and to keep the math simple I am going to round to one billion. So, going off of my very rough estimate of five steals per lighter, that’s about five billion lighters stolen per year.

A trusty Bic is usually priced around two dollars each in most instances (2.19 at my nearest c-store). Given that information I’m going to say that total… collectively we will spend about two billion dollars on lighters in a year. If we are going to say each of these is stolen five times… that means that about ten billion dollars worth of lighters are stolen.

So, we have about five billion stolen lighters, adding up to about ten billion dollars total. Keep in mind… this is only counting Bic Lighters. So, this is only 60% of the actual deficit. So, really we’re looking at about nine billion thefts, accruing to 18 billion dollars of stolen goods.

Let’s put this amount in perspective.

There are typically, about a million cars stolen yearly and the most common stolen car is the Honda Civic (who knew?). A new Honda Civic is going to run you… about twelve grand. I am going to use that as a point of estimation and go ahead and assume that about fourteen billion dollars worth of cars are reported stolen annually. Collectively, this is about 4 billion dollars less than my (approximate) lighter deficit.

I guess more than anything this is just comical to me. I certainly wouldn’t suggest calling the local PD at two am to report your fancy new tattoo Bic pocketed, and I don’t want my tax dollars going to a lighter theft task force. Next time you light-up, look down at your lighter and take an extra two second to ensure the one you are putting in your pocket is your own. :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Moi

Moi

I love the scent or oranges,
impending rain on a spring day,
and fresh baked cookies.
It always brings me back home.

I'm irrational,
sentimental,
and keep cards from my childhood.

I've fallen asleep to "A Warm Place" every night since I was sixteen, and "A Drowning,"
can bring me to my knees at the drop of a hat.

The feeling of rose petals on my lips makes me melt,
but I hide it well,
and I will never admit how bad my heels hurt.

I am uncontrollable,
disagreeable and completely
unpredictable...

and I offer no apologies for any of it.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

My DAMN THE MAN!!

Ok... so, 97.5 The Blaze!! Big Rog is currently holding the controls hostage, refusing to play the "Rockin' Hits" management has decided the radio station is going to promote going forward. The DJ's are on board... and Big Rog is going to play whatever the hell he wants. Ya know what I have to say about that?

HELL YEAH!!!

How many people stand up for what they want? Especially against the employer... THE MAN who prints your paychecks? Not many of us do, but you know we all want to! This man, just one person, trying to make his own kind of difference, and it's amazing. Yes, like he said, he's not curing cancer or anything... but I think this moment speaks for itself.

Here is a link to one of the videos

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=164874046881199&id=149891625052085#!/video/video.php?v=10150093909851410&comments

One by one the other employees are filing in behind him... and the support is amazing! The "Blaze Van" has been altered as well, and is currently driving around to gather your support!

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=164874046881199&id=149891625052085#!/video/video.php?v=475136059221&comments

Sign the van to support the effort, it's currently driving around the city. Big Rog will let you know where it is!

Here's their FB page:

http://www.facebook.com/permalink.php?story_fbid=164874046881199&id=149891625052085#!/pages/975-The-Blaze/149891625052085

Post your support for Big Rog... or go down to the station. I mean, really... whether this is your station or not... You gotta love a man standing up for the right thing.

GO BIG ROG... I'm behind you!

Monday, November 22, 2010

My Holiday Complaint

Twas' the night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a fashionista was stirring.... Really, what it comes down to is that holidays in general... and Christmas especially are so unbelievably tacky! Even the color wheel is completely ignored, (and possibly quite offended) when decorating or dressing festively. Christmas colors, traditionally, are red and green. Can you think of a less visually appeasing color combination? The only time I've seen these two colors in perfect harmony are on Freddy Kreuger's tattered sweater... and just like that color combination, it only belongs in a horror movie.

I'm going to go ahead and glide right passed the obvious problem of "ugly Christmas sweaters'' because I feel that goes without saying and move right onto decor. In recent years there has been an obvious effort on the part of retailers to be a little more classy in that department.... but let's face it; our options are unkempt Santa-Clauses (red suit with white fur trim? ummm... no), colorful snowmen, overdone manger scenes (complete with fake snow), colorful trains and nutcrackers.... before you even get to the tree you are already in SENSORY OVERLOAD.

So, in my Martha Stewartness.... here are a few suggestions to help you avoid turning your home into Santa's workshop from a bad Christmas movie.

1. Stay away from multi-colored string lights. I have seen a few large bulb assortments that look alright on the outside of your house, but for the most part, these just make your home look like an over-seasoned Dorito chip. Not appealing.

2. If you're going to put out Santa figurines/snowmen/angels/nutcrackers, try to choose ones made with fabrics and stylings that are not corny or cheap.

2. STAY AWAY FROM TINSEL....

3. Real trees are amazing, but a pain in the ass. Try a nice pre-lit fake tree if you're not feeling up to getting a real one and get a pine scented candle. Actually, any scented candles that promote the holiday season will feel homey. Scented candles that mimic baked goods are always good for this occasion.

4. A wreath can be nice.... try to stay away from ones with a lot of shiny ornaments on them, or ugly plaid/or other cheap bows.

5. Stay away from fake snow... including on trees. Not only is it a mess, but you're not fooling anyone.

6. The tree. Again, I suggest staying away from multi-colored lights here. Also.... stay away from messy individual ornaments. Pick a theme and stick with it. Usually a good color theme with 2-4 colors is nice. Various shapes are okay, but try to stick with it. Rogue elements will stick out like a sore thumb and always finish it off with a neutral tree skirt.

7. In general, with any decorations you choose, consider the rest of your home, and how this will fit with it. You don't want your house looking uncomfortably ridiculous for an entire month, right?

Anywho... have fun decorating...for the season, try to stay away from tacky!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Downpour

A single drop denoted
as the collective falls from the clouds
to form puddles on the ground
reflecting a starless sky,
appearing to be nothing,
empty...
waiting for what's left unsaid.
To let it out, in a downpour,
flood the streets
crystal rivers or muddy waters-
Remains to be seen
but the question remains...
Can you swim?