My Unfortunate Consequence

I like to drink. I have always quite enjoyed it. It all started with sneaking a wine cooler from my friend's parents overstocked refrigerator. I remember trying to choke it down as if it were pure isopropyl alcohol with berry flavoring. I even went through a phase in my teenage years where it was the only way I could enjoy myself. When I was about fifteen I found a very bubbly outgoing friend who was about eighteen and had tits that were abnormally large on her small frame. She changed my life dramatically. As you can imagine she had little trouble finding an older man that was always eager to jump in his run down car and run to the liquor store on our behalf. This became our pastime. As you could probably imagine some of the best, and worst times of my life were during this phase. We will come back to this in a moment.

For most of my life I have also managed to be very accident prone. As a small child we had an "Urgent Care" center down the street from my house with two files on me so thick you would think they were bringing two levels of The Encyclopedia Britannica into the room every time I paid them a visit. My accidents did tend to be minor in most cases. At the time I had never broken a bone. I just managed to do stupid things that would warrant an emergency visit. Usually small sprains or large cuts and concussions and the like. I was very active when I was younger, so things like this tend to happen to active children. When you take an accident prone indivdual and give them alcohol....it should be clear to see that hilarity will surely ensue.

When I was about 16 I went out with my bubbly friend to one of the "clubs" around town that would allow young minors to attend because they didn't serve any alcohol. It was generally common for us to drink in the parking lot before entering. So, we got really loaded and when we left we drank even more and then proceeded to the diner...which was the drill for anyone that attended said establishment. Between two lightweight teenagers we made short work of a bottle of vodka. Not just any Vodka, the stuff they would keep BELOW the bottom shelf if they could....you should have to dig a hole and bottle it yourself it is so toxic. I was running around in front of the diner with a friend of mine when I twisted my ankle. Not just a little bit....a lot. I remember not really knowing what was happening. It was as if suddenly the world tilted sideways and I was laid out on the grass with people standing over me asking if I was alright. The following morning assessment of the damage would show that I had sprained my ankle so badly I had bruises running up either side of my leg, my entire foot was purple and my ankle was roughly the size of a grapefruit. I couldn't walk right for about two months.

I didn't have another unfortunate drinking accident until I was much older. The next instance occurs when I am about 22 or 23. My (at the time) boyfriend and a friend of mine went over to a friends house he was renting out with a bunch of his friends. They were having a rager. One of those parties where there are people laying on the lawn puking their guts out, sleeping in the bathroom on the toilet seat, and fighting on the front porch. The entire living room/kitchen area was hardwood floor, which apparently gets slippery when wet. In the kitchen there were shots going around, drinks being mixed and spilled. The entire floor was a giant puddle. We were all splashing around in it and tracking it into other rooms of the house. Looking back now someone was bound for an accident. Someone, meaning me.

When the evening started coming to a close I went to walk down the stairs....which were also hardwood. I was wearing these silver platforms with absolutely no traction on the bottom of them when I suddenly had a small confrontation with gravity. In any fight with gravity, it will always win. One leg went down the stairs and the other....didn't really. It is all really fuzzy after that. I remember feeling really hurt, but nothing serious. I actually walked myself out to the car and everything.

I woke up the next morning and tried to roll over in bed and couldn't. Every time I would make the slightest movement pain would shoot down my legs and up my back. I couldn't imagine what was wrong. Luckily the Dr. knew the moment he saw me doing the walk of shame down the long hallway to the exam room. I had broken my tailbone....the only bone I have ever broken in my entire life. I couldn't stand up from my chair, sit down or do really anything without an immense amount of pain for months. Total nightmare. If you are going to break something, don't let it be your tailbone.

I managed to go a couple years without incident, until about a month ago. I had a bunch of friends over to my house and we were playing beer pong, eating pizza and so on. This doesn't really have much pre-story to it because I wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary. I was simply walking through my kitchen when I slipped on a cheese wrapper that had apparently missed the garbage can. I fell on my ass, smacked my head on the refrigerator and felt a huge pop when I fell. I immediately started screaming bloody murder because at first I thought I broke my leg. Everyone in my house was concerned at first but when they saw that my leg was obviously not protruding bones or flopping lifelessly they assumed I must be fine. They thought I was just being drunk and ridiculous. The people at the Emergency Room at 6:00 AM felt the same way. They sent me home diagnosing it as a knee sprain. After a few hundred dollars and and MRI later, I have torn some very important ligaments in my knee that will need surgery for repair.

That really sums it up at this point. The funniest thing is that all of these injuries could have just as easily happened when I was sober, but manage to only plague me in my drunken state. Why is that? Is the the horror movie mentality that if you are doing something wrong you are in for some karma? Not sure. I guess I will have to be extra careful when navigating around my own kitchen. Moral of the story: don't drink and walk.

My Status Update

I am a child of the technology age, and have embraced it fully, if not whole-heartedly. I have a MySpace page, a Facebook page, play a couple fun online games and of course have an email account. It has occurred to me that without an online existence you actually cease to exist, especially in my current "house mom" situation. I don't have a job, and have two kids so getting out to special events or even to enjoy a single frosty mug of beer has become more than a chore. The only way that I can really keep in touch with the outside world is through my social networking sites, and although I like having some "friends" that I don't talk to often, or old friends I have fallen out of touch with over the years at my fingertips it sometimes seems to me that people are abusing the privilege of having me at their fingertips.

I would like to introduce a new saying for the type of issue I am currently explaining. It is more of a small edit to one that is more than well known. I propose a change from-

If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all

to

If you have NOTHING to say, then don't say anything at all.

I read the funniest comic strip the other day in reference to what I am talking about. Due to the fact that I don't have the option to paste it into my blog I am going to quote it

"Where have you been? No email, you didn't text me. Not a clue on your blog, you didn't update your status on Facebook. It is like you fell off the earth!"

"Did you not check Twitter?"

"Oops, sorry 'Upstairs, going to the bathroom, be back in five'."

The side ache I got while laughing at this comic strip would possibly have caused me to drown if I had been swimming. Now, I am willing to admit that I am occasionally guilty of the no update update but it should be the exception rather than the rule. When I have 100 people updating information that I need to scroll through (not to mention every app update, which I actually don't mind) I don't need to know that you sneezed. Call me crazy, but it isn't life altering information for me. The even funnier thing is that you will find twenty comments following this update saying, "bless you."

So, in the spirit of fun let's take a look at some of the updates currently taking up space on my news feed. Names, of course removed to protect the guilty.

"I wanna snuggle."

"Please please please don't let what I am thinking happen." - small comment on this is that I hate half a story. I am not a goddamn mind reader and I am certainly not going to break out the crystal ball.

"Wish that Cyber Monday came on payday"

"I'm hungry" -Stop the presses! Someone is hungry, alert the media.

"Totoro and ice cream"

"I need to poo"

Okay, so I actually made that last one up, but it wasn't any different than anything that preceded it. I am actually not going to go any further down the feed or I will never find my pillow, but this is why I prefer the layout of MySpace to Facebook. I can see one status update, or click to see more if I choose. I don't have to sort my way through everyone's stream of consciousness looking for things I would actually care to know about someone. Update and let people know how you're doing, or chit chat about your shows, share something funny or crappy that happened today...or awesome quotes...everyone loves a good quote. I guess a good rule of thumb is, if what you are saying could not be followed with some sort of conversation, don't say it.

My Bird

Thanksgiving. If nothing else, a valid excuse to escape the cubical farm and breathe real air if only for a day. Other than that, it is a cruel, inhumane ritual where you eat far too much food, and travel (sometimes) insane distances to submit yourself to the torture of "family dynamic."

The one thing I can say, is this is the only widely celebrated American holiday that we didn't steal from the Pagans and try to claim it as our own... so YAY US!

So, I love my family, and my hubbys family, but I know I cannot be the only one who would agree that after you stretch past the teenage years, you see Thanksgiving as a mundane chore. Day off MY ASS.

Your day could probably go one of a few different ways:

Option A "Bird Cooker": You get up at the butt crack of dawn. Althought you may be up in time to see the suns rays grace the mountain tops, you will be busy shoving the oversized bird in the oven, and boiling potatoes. After this, your next 8 hours will be spent with your toes tightly pressed against where your oven meets the linoleum. Then, you await the arrival of your family, rush through the dinner at some ridiculous hour so that whoever is there will have time to climb into their cars and make their next appointment. Then, you get to clean every plate, fork, crock pot and gravy ladel in your kitchen.

Keep in mind that to do Thanksgiving this way, you probably spent all day yesterday crack cleaning your home. You probably even broke out the toothpicks. Q-Tips and bleach to get those hard to reach (and never noticied) places.

Option B "Appointmenter": You go to someone elses house for thanksgiving. Possibly several houses for Thanksgiving. If you have mastered the art of bolemia, this will not be a problem for you. You wake up...not as early as the bird cooker, but early enough to make sure you have whatever your assigned food was for each dinner. You may have had to prepare one, or two, or three of these dishes the day before hand, or possibly half way....have some cream, dough, jello, or pasta dish "cooling overnight" in your refrigerater. Or, if you're like me, you are going to have to spend the morning fighting Thanksgiving traffic, speeding from location to location to find an open store that has whatever you need to make the dishes, that you should've made the night before.

While this is your day off, it would probably be nice to be able to snuggle into your bed, hit snooze on your alarm and sleep until a ripe hour of the morning...but no. You will most likely be climbing into your car in the frigid morning air, scraping the ice from your windows, and running SOME SORT of errand.

After all this is completed you will arrive in a timely enough manner for your first appointment. You will eat more food than humanly possible(if you didn't have a breakfast somewhere), because you're starving at this point, and the smells of Thanksgiving are one of it's upsides. You will chit chat. You will dash off, in time to make your next dinner. You will then arrive there....force yourself to eat enough food to appear "polite" and then sit there for an hour or two,top button undone, cursing the pilgrims for ever even DREAMING of coming to this god forsaken nation. **Note: An experienced appointmenter will wear an elastic wasteband.

Option C "The Traveler": So....your Thanksgiving probably started yesterday. Could've started by rushing to the airport in morning traffic...turkey isn't the only bird you'll be seeing (haha). Then, you wait in an ungodly line to be poked, and prodded by airport security and making your flight, by the graces of God alone. Or, it could've started by waking up at a ridiculous hour, cramming the children in the car with the pillows and hot cocoa, and making a trek somewhere.

On the actual day of Thanksgiving, you are waking up in unfamiliar territory. Unless you had the money and thought to book a hotel room three months ago, you're staying with family. You will now compete for the sink to brush your teeth, and the shower to take a shower. Envision that scene from "Home Alone" when they are all trying to get ready to go to the airport. It will likely be something like that.

At some point you should really probably offer help to the bird cooker...even if you don't really want to help and just pray they say "I've got it." The real catch though, is that you're completely trapped. No stepping away.... no going home, no sleeping in your own bed. Hope your family is great, because you are glued to it until you get to play the traveling game either on Saturday, or Sunday. Either way, good luck with that. On the upside, if you're a mule carrying heroin....probably the best day to sneak it by airport security.

Option D "The Fuckit.....er": Usually this is someone who I was lucky enought oe be for a couple years when I was a teenager. Probably someone that has family out of town they can't travel to go see, or don't care to. You will sleep in...late. Close the drapes, put the cell phone on silent. Maybe shower....maybe not. Call another friend in your same situation. Maybe grab a movie. Maybe not. Maybe get drunk. Who knows! Fuck it!

Option E "Footballer": Wake up whenever. Eat Bird. Watch Football.

Now, it is possible to inter-mesh some of these....but pretty much you're doin something listed up there tomorrow.

First poetry piece to be posted to this blog. Timing could not be better.

Timeless

Words don't come so easy this time,
my dear, dear, friend.
A mouth once gifted with gab sits silent.
How can a person like me encompass your entire being,
with a few disheveled sentences.
What I needed, you embodied.
What I wished, you granted.
Those intrigues will never be lost in this,
this wasted time.
My skin crawls for what is lost,
in future generations,
and in myself.
The mistake of many, is the mistake of my own
I have taken for granted,
surrendered,
suffered those empty hands
the giving heart,
generous soul.
You will not only be mourned, or missed,
but forever defined
in this moment.
How could I be so selfish?
The books do not hold what you can
with your effortless grasp.
Timeless.
My fingers wrestle slowly
to hold to what is clearly amiss,
albeit lost in cause.
Forget you not.

*dedicated to Dwayne McCartney 1941-2009
Go in peace my friend.

My Story

When desperate times call for desperate measures, what do you do when you yourself are desperate? Not only myself, but the entire nation seems to be up in arms about the crunch currently. As a child of the eighties, I never really understood why they called the downfall of the economy in the thirties "The Great Depression"....well, because it was fucking depressing, that's why.

I've worked my ass off to get what I have in life, and it has not been an easy road. No golden cup, no silver spoon. In fact the odds have been stacked against me since I was a teenager. Despite my unwillingness to "play the game" most of my life I have managed to succeed. I have done things my way, and laughed in everyone's face while I did it.

I went against the grain in middle school...refused to participate in school functions and the "norm." I had no interest in the approval of my peers, and couldn't care less about my grades, or how I was viewed by those who had power over my young life. I came to a conclusion at this point in my life that no one was owed respect. It was to be earned. I have stuck to this notion into my adult life.

In Highschool, I would arrive when I wanted, go to whatever classes I felt would benefit me and spent the rest of my time at Denny's. I still managed to pass most of my classes and earned the respect of most of my teachers.

When I was sixteen, I got pregnant. Not surprisingly, I got ditched by the "man" who assisted me in getting into that situation. While everyone seemed to have an opinion on what I should do, no one really gave it the time and thought that I did as to how this would affect my life, and the life of my child. Despite everyone's opinions otherwise, I kept my child and decided I would show a metaphorical middle finger to anyone that thought I couldn't do this on my own. Despite the fact that this decision would close many doors to me in life, it was the choice I made. I know that it was the right decision for me. They do say that where one door closes, another opens. I have been lucky to easily find many open doors in my life, but currently I seem to struggle in locating those doors.

I have usually been willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead. I have done what I needed to do, and taken advantage of every great opportunity that has found it's way into my hands. Although I didn't go to college, I would like to consider myself fairly business minded. I am able to identify what is important, and prioritize it. Get it done, and if I cannot get it done I am able to find a way to delegate. Why can I not apply these same skills to managing my own life? One's life really is a business, in a way. Gotta turn a profit, stay ahead, and grow as a person.

When I got laid off from my most recent job, I honestly felt slightly liberated. The position I held at the time I left the company seemed to be a trap that I could never get out of filled with impossible missions....and man eating sharks. I thought it was a blessing in disguise and that I would have no problem finding a new job with the unique skills I had acquired over the years. Apparently prospective employers would beg to disagree.

So, nine months later, here I am. Twenty-five, happily married mother of two, and completely fucked. The only delegating I do is tell my son to take out the dog. A little over a year ago I was living the American Dream. How does it slip away so quickly? I had everything I had strived to achieve, and I had done it my way. I was so proud myself. I could stand up and say, "screw you cookie cutter versions of a well planned life." Now, I feel like I have no options available to me. I can't find a job, can't pay my bills, can't feed my family... and even when I am able to swallow my pride enough to ask for help...no one can oblige.

While I understand that this situation is most likely temporary, months of ongoing frustration can change a person forever....and also how I see life in general. You can only get your foot into so many doors, before you break your damn foot. I will still do things "my way." I will still take every opportunity extended to me, but I won't give blind trust to a company, and I will never get too comfortable in any situation or think that someone will be there to help me when I really need it. Even if you have favors to call in, doesn't mean there will be someone there to answer at the other end of the line. Lesson learned.

*Please note that this is NOT an open invitation to a pity party. Just making a long convoluted point.

My "Warm Place"

What is it about fall that keeps me completely enthralled every year? From the intoxicating smell of a fall evening to crisp cool morning air I am completely mesmerized each and every time the season begins. The feeling I feel in the first couple weeks when it really feels like fall is only comparable to the fresh feeling you get when you first venture into a new relationship. Unfortunately the break-up between fall and I is always harsh and cold...

I love Halloween...I find myself looking forward to it every year. Watching each festive house transform into a haunted mansion, crafty house with cartoon pumpkins, or a classically decorative home with gourds and hay bales always brings me joy. I find myself always wandering down the Halloween aisle at every store, no matter how many times I have already seen it.

Aside from the rich shades of the trees down every road I pass bringing a nice sense of calm, the excitement of the bustle of fall can almost be overwhelming at times. It is the start of the busy season. Holidays, work, gatherings... all this and I still welcome the Autumn air with open arms, and feel like I cannot wait for the next day to begin. Although the weather is chilly, it is my warm place.

My Occupational Hazard

Oh, Sonic Drive-in. The home of the Cherry Lime-aid, delicious toaster sandwiches, tater-tots, and the worst customer service in America. I will admit I am a hard person to please due to the fact that I have worked in Customer Service for so many years, but I wouldn't be shocked to find out that Sonic pumps marijuana smoke into the air there, because everyone seems to be working on only half a brain.

My Sonic journey began about seven years ago when they built their first restaurant here in Salt Lake City. My boyfriend (now husband) worked there. While he was working there I fell in love with their amazing menu....but not necessarily the staff that worked along side him. First off, the manager of Sonic actually smoked inside the store. Pretty sure that violates several acts, and policies. Not to mention that there was not a kind, or professional bone in her body.

After he stopped working there, I tried many times to eat there. However, I was always greeted with abnormally long wait times, rude teenagers, wrong food, and was charged incorrectly. Since there was a Sonic down the street from my house I went there often even though I always left feeling unhappy with my experience. This was at both locations near me (there was one right down the street, and another one suburb over). I had basically come to terms with the fact that if I wanted to eat their food, I would have to put up with these rather large blemishes on their service record and that it would take me about 45 minutes to get my food, get it fixed, and then get my charge fixed.

One particular occasion will always stand out in my mind as the absolute worst customer experience I had ever had. I ordered what I always got. The breakfast toaster sandwich Combo. The price has increased greatly since then, but at the time it was actually 2.99. I also got it Sonic Sized with a large drink and tots (NOT a Route 44 drink...which is what they always tried to give me). To upsize it I believe the cost was somewhere in the ballpark of 69 cents or so. When I got my food, they told me that I owed them 4.89. Basic math skills will tell you that even with prepared food tax, this is incorrect. I told the car hop that I think it is incorrect and I would like to see my receipt. He said he would go get it. About two minutes later, a teenage girl walks out to my car, introduces herself as the supervisor in a rather rude tone, cocks her hip to the side in a childish fashion and says "what's your problem?"

"I ordered the breakfast toaster sandwich combo for 2.99, sonic sized it, but my total is wrong. I would like to see my receipt." I said, probably a little irritated.

"There is nothing on the menu for that price." She said, and then laughed at me a little. So, I reached out my window, pointed to the menu board where the price is clearly listed and said, "What's that?"

At this point she threw her hands out, stomped her feet as if she were a toddler, and started screaming at me. I don't remember everything she said, but it was along the lines of me always coming in there and ripping off her store (which I never did, I would ask them to fix my food if it was wrong, and I hadn't been there in months at this point), and then proceeded to tell me that I couldn't come there anymore. I started screaming back at her that I wanted my receipt, they charged my card and I wanted my receipt....she refused to let me have my receipt.

During her tantrum, I was understandably upset. I pulled my car out of the stall and left, and while I was leaving the car hops came out and yelled at my car as I drove away. Another shining moment in Sonic Drive-In history. I really, and truthfully didn't eat there for about two years.

After a lengthy hiatus of my Sonic infatuation I decided it was time to give it another shot but was disappointed to run into the same problems. There was one evening where I ordered a Bacon Cheddar Burger Toaster (which I believe is called something different now). The reason I like this sandwich so much is because it comes with the most amazing Hickory BBQ sauce on it, and some mayo. When I get my sandwich I find that instead of my amazing sauce, I have ketchup. We asked that they come out and get my sandwich and make it correctly. After about two minutes they ring out to our menu board and say, "That sandwich doesn't come with BBQ sauce, it comes with ketchup." I had to argue with them to get them to make my sandwich with the Hickory BBQ sauce as advertised. When I finally got it back, it did have the BBQ sauce but was still also drenched in ketchup. I just ate it anyway.

I have since moved out to Sandy, which is about twenty minutes from where I used to live. Funny thing is that the closest fast food restaurant to me is.....Sonic Drive-in. I haven't been to this location before, so we decided to give it a shot. It had just opened and we took our family down to have breakfast. This was probably about a year or so ago. They had a special breakfast sandwich at the time that had sausage, and bacon on it...it looked amazing so this is what we ordered. When we got the sandwiches, there was no sausage. We pressed the red call button and let them know, they assured us it would be no problem and they would have that right out to us. So we waited, and waited, and waited. Mind you, I have a three month old baby in my car getting more aggravated by the moment.

Finally, after about 10 minutes we pressed the red button again and let them know that we were waiting for our sandwiches to be re made. We were greeted ed with a "What? What did you order?" I probably should not have been shocked at their incompetence, but I was. We told them what we were waiting for, and after about five minutes, the manager brought us out our sandwiches with apologies. We took these and went home because by this point we had been there over an hour.

We were opening our food, took one bite of the sandwich and what was missing? The sausage. Again. So my husband threw all the food in the bag, took it back and demanded a refund for the sandwiches. The manager tried telling him there was no way that our sandwiches did not include sausage, but my husband pulled them open and showed him. So, we did get our refund. One small victory against a restaurant that has stolen countless hours of my life.

I have been back there probably twice in the last year or so. Both times, they have made one small error or another, but they were dismissible able to a point. However, my husband stopped there the other night to get dinner, and they forgot our fries, and charged us incorrectly for two of our combo's.

I have called their 800 number more than once to complain....each time I am greeted with a cold voice on the other end of the line that promises me nothing. They don't even try to make me feel better. Basically, Sonic Drive-In....you do not care about your customers. You don't care about their experience. You don't care that your name is attached to corrupt franchises that make you look bad as long as the all mighty dollar is flowing your way. I do appreciate you making my dinner decision easier, knowing that there is one less choice on my roster. Thanks for that.