Thanksgiving. If nothing else, a valid excuse to escape the cubical farm and breathe real air if only for a day. Other than that, it is a cruel, inhumane ritual where you eat far too much food, and travel (sometimes) insane distances to submit yourself to the torture of "family dynamic."
The one thing I can say, is this is the only widely celebrated American holiday that we didn't steal from the Pagans and try to claim it as our own... so YAY US!
So, I love my family, and my hubbys family, but I know I cannot be the only one who would agree that after you stretch past the teenage years, you see Thanksgiving as a mundane chore. Day off MY ASS.
Your day could probably go one of a few different ways:
Option A "Bird Cooker": You get up at the butt crack of dawn. Althought you may be up in time to see the suns rays grace the mountain tops, you will be busy shoving the oversized bird in the oven, and boiling potatoes. After this, your next 8 hours will be spent with your toes tightly pressed against where your oven meets the linoleum. Then, you await the arrival of your family, rush through the dinner at some ridiculous hour so that whoever is there will have time to climb into their cars and make their next appointment. Then, you get to clean every plate, fork, crock pot and gravy ladel in your kitchen.
Keep in mind that to do Thanksgiving this way, you probably spent all day yesterday crack cleaning your home. You probably even broke out the toothpicks. Q-Tips and bleach to get those hard to reach (and never noticied) places.
Option B "Appointmenter": You go to someone elses house for thanksgiving. Possibly several houses for Thanksgiving. If you have mastered the art of bolemia, this will not be a problem for you. You wake up...not as early as the bird cooker, but early enough to make sure you have whatever your assigned food was for each dinner. You may have had to prepare one, or two, or three of these dishes the day before hand, or possibly half way....have some cream, dough, jello, or pasta dish "cooling overnight" in your refrigerater. Or, if you're like me, you are going to have to spend the morning fighting Thanksgiving traffic, speeding from location to location to find an open store that has whatever you need to make the dishes, that you should've made the night before.
While this is your day off, it would probably be nice to be able to snuggle into your bed, hit snooze on your alarm and sleep until a ripe hour of the morning...but no. You will most likely be climbing into your car in the frigid morning air, scraping the ice from your windows, and running SOME SORT of errand.
After all this is completed you will arrive in a timely enough manner for your first appointment. You will eat more food than humanly possible(if you didn't have a breakfast somewhere), because you're starving at this point, and the smells of Thanksgiving are one of it's upsides. You will chit chat. You will dash off, in time to make your next dinner. You will then arrive there....force yourself to eat enough food to appear "polite" and then sit there for an hour or two,top button undone, cursing the pilgrims for ever even DREAMING of coming to this god forsaken nation. **Note: An experienced appointmenter will wear an elastic wasteband.
Option C "The Traveler": So....your Thanksgiving probably started yesterday. Could've started by rushing to the airport in morning traffic...turkey isn't the only bird you'll be seeing (haha). Then, you wait in an ungodly line to be poked, and prodded by airport security and making your flight, by the graces of God alone. Or, it could've started by waking up at a ridiculous hour, cramming the children in the car with the pillows and hot cocoa, and making a trek somewhere.
On the actual day of Thanksgiving, you are waking up in unfamiliar territory. Unless you had the money and thought to book a hotel room three months ago, you're staying with family. You will now compete for the sink to brush your teeth, and the shower to take a shower. Envision that scene from "Home Alone" when they are all trying to get ready to go to the airport. It will likely be something like that.
At some point you should really probably offer help to the bird cooker...even if you don't really want to help and just pray they say "I've got it." The real catch though, is that you're completely trapped. No stepping away.... no going home, no sleeping in your own bed. Hope your family is great, because you are glued to it until you get to play the traveling game either on Saturday, or Sunday. Either way, good luck with that. On the upside, if you're a mule carrying heroin....probably the best day to sneak it by airport security.
Option D "The Fuckit.....er": Usually this is someone who I was lucky enought oe be for a couple years when I was a teenager. Probably someone that has family out of town they can't travel to go see, or don't care to. You will sleep in...late. Close the drapes, put the cell phone on silent. Maybe shower....maybe not. Call another friend in your same situation. Maybe grab a movie. Maybe not. Maybe get drunk. Who knows! Fuck it!
Option E "Footballer": Wake up whenever. Eat Bird. Watch Football.
Now, it is possible to inter-mesh some of these....but pretty much you're doin something listed up there tomorrow.
