Exhibit A:
So, everyone knows that I am currently in the middle of a full blown nervous breakdown (sorry to disappoint if this is new news to you). I'm in fairly intense therapy and have discovered a multitude of anxiety related disorders in the process. Apparently I'm slightly defective, to say the least.
Now... that being said it seems as though every step I take to feel better, I take two or three giant leaps back.
Today, I woke up a little late, feeling slightly icky (to say the least) so I brewed up a bit of coffee. I drank a couple cups and felt crappy enough I decided to climb back in bed when my little one took a nap.
My dream included all my friends coming over for a fancy BBQ. I realized I needed to go to the store and pick up a few things. To make a long story short I remember the dream as vividly as though I actually lived the moments in my dreams. To make a long story short, I was looking for artichokes in Dan's and had a complete panic attack when I couldn't find them. My quick paced heart woke me instantly, and I am STILL in full panic mode at the moment... reading through my facebook getting pissed off at everyone's status updates, feeling prepared to burst into tears at any moment.... probably doesn't help that I am out of medication....
Nevertheless... this is my awesome venture into insanity for the day. Just want to take a moment to give a big "fuck you" to all those who unknowingly, and unintentionally pissed me off today... for no reason.... ;)
Well aren't YOU a peach. I happen to think you enjoy my status updates.
ReplyDeleteIn regards to the attacks, I had one once. It was bad. Ambulance, oxygen, random questions like "does sudden death run in your family?" or some shit like that. I was like "fuck you, fire chief. Nobody called you" and they put my mask back on. But as I sat in the ER bed I thought about why it happened and how to control it. Read and watched alot of let-me-sell-you-sanity jargon, blah blah. The material alone on the subject was so overwhelming that I felt another one coming on. Grasping the concept that an attack in and of itself has never claimed a life, I calmly told myself to hurry up and go fuck myself. And it went away. Never came back. I guess I'm not a good lay.
That probably didn't help, but the point is that its all a choice. Yes, theory and application lines suck...but the mind is powerful. Its powerful enough to convince you that you're about to die, so it must be powerful enough to convince you that all is well. And that Boston teams are huge shit piles.
They may be huge shit piles.... but they are FANTASTIC shit piles. :P
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