My Story

When desperate times call for desperate measures, what do you do when you yourself are desperate? Not only myself, but the entire nation seems to be up in arms about the crunch currently. As a child of the eighties, I never really understood why they called the downfall of the economy in the thirties "The Great Depression"....well, because it was fucking depressing, that's why.

I've worked my ass off to get what I have in life, and it has not been an easy road. No golden cup, no silver spoon. In fact the odds have been stacked against me since I was a teenager. Despite my unwillingness to "play the game" most of my life I have managed to succeed. I have done things my way, and laughed in everyone's face while I did it.

I went against the grain in middle school...refused to participate in school functions and the "norm." I had no interest in the approval of my peers, and couldn't care less about my grades, or how I was viewed by those who had power over my young life. I came to a conclusion at this point in my life that no one was owed respect. It was to be earned. I have stuck to this notion into my adult life.

In Highschool, I would arrive when I wanted, go to whatever classes I felt would benefit me and spent the rest of my time at Denny's. I still managed to pass most of my classes and earned the respect of most of my teachers.

When I was sixteen, I got pregnant. Not surprisingly, I got ditched by the "man" who assisted me in getting into that situation. While everyone seemed to have an opinion on what I should do, no one really gave it the time and thought that I did as to how this would affect my life, and the life of my child. Despite everyone's opinions otherwise, I kept my child and decided I would show a metaphorical middle finger to anyone that thought I couldn't do this on my own. Despite the fact that this decision would close many doors to me in life, it was the choice I made. I know that it was the right decision for me. They do say that where one door closes, another opens. I have been lucky to easily find many open doors in my life, but currently I seem to struggle in locating those doors.

I have usually been willing to do whatever it takes to get ahead. I have done what I needed to do, and taken advantage of every great opportunity that has found it's way into my hands. Although I didn't go to college, I would like to consider myself fairly business minded. I am able to identify what is important, and prioritize it. Get it done, and if I cannot get it done I am able to find a way to delegate. Why can I not apply these same skills to managing my own life? One's life really is a business, in a way. Gotta turn a profit, stay ahead, and grow as a person.

When I got laid off from my most recent job, I honestly felt slightly liberated. The position I held at the time I left the company seemed to be a trap that I could never get out of filled with impossible missions....and man eating sharks. I thought it was a blessing in disguise and that I would have no problem finding a new job with the unique skills I had acquired over the years. Apparently prospective employers would beg to disagree.

So, nine months later, here I am. Twenty-five, happily married mother of two, and completely fucked. The only delegating I do is tell my son to take out the dog. A little over a year ago I was living the American Dream. How does it slip away so quickly? I had everything I had strived to achieve, and I had done it my way. I was so proud myself. I could stand up and say, "screw you cookie cutter versions of a well planned life." Now, I feel like I have no options available to me. I can't find a job, can't pay my bills, can't feed my family... and even when I am able to swallow my pride enough to ask for help...no one can oblige.

While I understand that this situation is most likely temporary, months of ongoing frustration can change a person forever....and also how I see life in general. You can only get your foot into so many doors, before you break your damn foot. I will still do things "my way." I will still take every opportunity extended to me, but I won't give blind trust to a company, and I will never get too comfortable in any situation or think that someone will be there to help me when I really need it. Even if you have favors to call in, doesn't mean there will be someone there to answer at the other end of the line. Lesson learned.

*Please note that this is NOT an open invitation to a pity party. Just making a long convoluted point.